Ask a Queer Chick by Lindsay King-Miller

Author:Lindsay King-Miller
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2015-12-08T05:00:00+00:00

Two Sides of the Story

When you’re in the throes of a tumultuous breakup, there’s nothing more tempting than trying to recruit others to your cause. Your ex hurt you because she’s a heartless monster, and people need to know the truth so they can protect themselves from her diabolical machinations—really, you’re being totally selfless.

Well, maybe. Or maybe you’re giving in to the unsavory urge to create sides in a conflict where none really exist. No matter how justified you feel, it is very seldom cool to drag your friends and loved ones into the middle of your breakup or ask them to take sides. The end of a relationship is one of the many scenarios in which “if you’re not with me, you’re against me” feels true but doesn’t actually apply.

Please note that I am not talking about situations where your ex abused you physically, sexually, or verbally. If you were wronged in that way, it’s reasonable to expect that your friends and loved ones will support you and hold your ex accountable for her actions. You certainly do not have to stay friends with anyone who is friends with your abuser, or anyone who pressures you to “just drop it” for the sake of queer community harmony. Always put your own physical and mental safety first.

But when you’re dealing with a more garden-variety breakup, resist the urge to air your ex’s dirty laundry. It’s okay to tell your BFF, your mom, or your therapist all about how she was emotionally unavailable and never did the dishes, but you don’t need to share these details with every girl in your lesbian swing-dance class. Don’t talk trash about your ex, and don’t try to lure other people into talking trash about her, either. Just because you two turned out to be romantically incompatible doesn’t mean she’s an awful person who doesn’t deserve friends.

This also applies to social spaces and gatherings. It’s cool to avoid events where you know you’ll run into your ex, at least for a little while, but if six months after your breakup you’re still loudly saying “Is Megan going to be there? Because you know I can’t go if Megan’s going to be there,” followed by a dramatic sniffle, people are going to slowly but surely stop inviting you out. You can’t reasonably expect your social circle to expel someone for the crime of being your ex, or to bend over backward to make sure that you never, ever cross paths with her.

If the specter of inconveniencing and annoying all your friends isn’t enough to prevent you from reciting your ex’s flaws publicly, consider this: In queer social circles, once you develop a reputation for drama-mongering and dragging everyone else into your breakups, hot girls are much less likely to want to date you, lest they risk becoming another casualty of your crusade for your exes’ social isolation. Plus, the more you rant about your ex, the more it looks like you’re not over her, and women will swerve to avoid being struck by the emotional fallout.

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