Atomweight by Emi Sasagawa

Author:Emi Sasagawa
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Tidewater Press
Published: 2023-05-04T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 18

For the first few days, we all tried to pretend nothing was the matter. Sure, maybe I was a bit distant, but I’d always been bookish and an introvert. Yes, Mom was in one of her moods, but that wasn’t unusual. And Dad, well, he was working late entertaining clients, like he usually did. It seemed the situation had stabilized and he was doing his best to keep the momentum going. On some level, we figured out that if we could avoid each other for long enough, we could make it through the ten days without more damage to our relationship. But our feelings were festering.

When I woke up on the Tuesday after Easter, I knew something was off. Haru and Dad were at the kitchen table, getting ready for school and work, but Mom was nowhere to be seen. We ate our breakfast in silence, and when it was time, Dad and Haru left together. I stayed seated, knowing a confrontation was brewing.

My parents’ bedroom was on the third and top floor of our house. I didn’t know if Mom was awake, so I went up the steps slowly and carefully. When I reached the top of the stairs, I crouched over and tiptoed my way in. It didn’t feel fair that I would have to reach out, when she had given me the cold shoulder for months, but I’d always been the one to apologize first.

I sat on the floor, with my back against one of the sides of the bed. In the past, I might have climbed in next to her, but it would be more difficult to talk if I could see the look on her face, knowing it was me who caused it.

“Are you . . . okay?” I whispered, afraid that my words might bring down whatever crept on our metaphorical roof. She grunted and turned away from me. It felt like the room was too small to hold us both.

“Is this . . . because of me?” It felt weird to take the responsibility for it out loud, like I thought myself overly important. Mom didn’t respond. Instead, she rolled over to the other side of the bed. I sat on the floor for a minute, then two, then five. It felt like it would never end. I counted to a hundred twice, in my head, hoping for anything that could tear the space between us. Eventually I got up and started to walk away. I looked over my shoulder. “Fine. I will leave you alone then,” I said, half angry, half hurt.

When I was inches away from the door, she finally rolled over. “Was it me? Was it us? Did I do something wrong?”

I turned to her and saw despair. Was she afraid she would be judged for my shortcomings? Was she worried I would be shamed and exiled by her friends? I wanted to say no, but also yes. No, it wasn’t her fault that I had turned out gay. No, she hadn’t forced me down this path.

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