James Acaster's Guide to Quitting Social Media by James Acaster

Author:James Acaster [Acaster, James]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Headline
Published: 2022-08-18T00:00:00+00:00

How to Get Updates on Everyone’s Babies

I used to know everything about everyone’s babies. There was a time when if you asked me what my specialist subject on Mastermind would be, I would’ve said, ‘Everyone’s babies’ and then I would’ve won Mastermind. But as things currently stood, I knew nothing about anyone’s babies and I was going to score zero on my specialist subject and lose Mastermind, embarrassing myself on national television and killing my career forever. If I was ever going to become Mastermind Grand Champion, and I’m talking proper Mastermind here not the stabilisers-on celebrity version, I’d need full updates on as many babies as humanly possible.

Time was, I’d get updated on my friends’ babies via Facebook and Instagram, photo after video after status update charting the progress of their subjectively cute cherubs, whether I’d asked for them or not (I hadn’t). But that was no longer an option since all of my new friends (the Tangfastic Crew) were baby-less: Daniel was a tragic bachelor, Jason McKenzie’s kids were older than me (with the exception of his teenage son, Howard), Demetri was sterile, Lord Chompington was married to the job and the rest of the Tangfastics were virgins. This meant I had to wave goodbye to updates on my friends’ babies and settle for the lowdown on any and all babies – no matter who they belonged to. I also had to do this in a way that didn’t make me appear like an unsavoury character – that part was crucial. This is why I started a crèche.

Crèche time

Those of you who’ve actually been following my instructions should have no problem whatsoever when it comes to starting up your own crèche because you’ve already gone and got yourselves a crispy-fresh CRB check. If you haven’t been following all the steps in this book TO THE LETTER then congratulations – you’ve wasted everyone’s time. By ‘everyone’ I mean you’ve wasted your own time and my time. But mainly my time. I spent ages writing this book but apparently that means diddly squat to you because you’re a self-obsessed little webhead who only cares about themselves. If you didn’t get the CRB check when I initially told you to then I’m going to assume you ended up in prison after attempting to join the Scouts without the appropriate documentation. If you are reading this in prison, then I suggest you view whatever stretch you’re currently serving as an opportunity. You’re locked up, isolated from the rest of the world and the only mobile phones you can get access to have been up someone’s derrière. Sounds horrendous but conditions are actually perfect for launching your very own Project Offline. In fact, just quickly, I’ll break down Project Offline – Prison Edition for all the jailbirds out there:

Making New Friends

You can make plenty of new friends in the clink so find yourself a gang and do whatever it takes to be accepted by them. It won’t be as fun as joining the

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