Languishing by Corey Keyes

Author:Corey Keyes [Keyes, Corey]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Crown
Published: 2024-02-20T00:00:00+00:00

Flexing Your Mind

Much like that transplant surgeon and like Shauna, I, too, struggle with self-compassion, with acceptance. I never feel as if I’m deserving of any praise or success; as you readers know, I can’t help but think I still need to prove to others, indeed to the world, that I belong. Despite my years of work in this field, I am still struggling with accepting myself.

Some of my good friends and colleagues in the Netherlands have developed and tested a public health approach to promoting mental health. The program is based on acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), the point of which is to increase mental flexibility. This kind of flexibility is a competence that includes two interdependent processes: (1) the acceptance of negative experiences and (2) the choice of how to respond based on values or principles.

A person who is mentally flexible is willing to remain in contact with rather than avoid negative, undesirable personal experiences. Remember my seatmate on the airplane when faced with the arrival of a toddler in her row? Most of us try to control or avoid such unwanted experiences. Rather than reacting emotionally to negative experiences, the ACT program encourages us to consciously make choices toward unwanted experiences based on our values and goals for creating a good life. A flexible mind thinks of all the ways that the baby sitting next to you on this long flight could be fun or, if not that, could at least be an opportunity for growth or generosity, could be a learning experience, could be an opportunity to practice being mindful, present, and without judgment.

Here’s an example. When coming to the end of a very difficult quarter at work, you have a big report due to your higher-ups based on results you’ve been collecting for months. A group of colleagues has worked on the project with you, and you are just putting the final touches on the report. With just a few days to go, your boss’s boss changes the reporting structure. Although the results will stay the same, the entire report will need to be rewritten to fit into the new format. In short, you’ve got a few miserable days ahead.

Most of us would either yell or cry or probably both, and then call a sympathetic friend or colleague to rant and rage. That’s totally understandable. But what would you do next?

Inflexible reaction: Refuse. Go to your boss and tell her the request is impossible, it’s too late, and there’s no time to meet the new parameters she’s given you.

Flexible reaction: Call a meeting of your colleagues. Allow everyone in the room to vent their frustration. Then, once the air has cleared, start making a new plan of attack collectively. One person gets to work on this part of the revision process, the next person rewrites the next, the third pulls together the numbers still needed, and so on. You are still furious and still exhausted, but you are choosing acceptance rather than avoidance. You accept what has changed, and you work together with your colleagues to solve the problem.

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