Sullied Pajamas (Misadventures in the Lesbian Dating Pool) by Kelli Jae Baeli

Author:Kelli Jae Baeli [Baeli, Kelli Jae]
Language: eng
Format: azw3, epub
Publisher: Lesbian Literati Press
Published: 2014-02-18T23:00:00+00:00

Ditto

The word "Ditto" means another of the same, a duplicate, a copy. What I have been experiencing here, with people, is ditto. Just when I might feel my faith in people resurrecting, a little ditto happens and that faith is relegated to ashes again. Is everyone a ditto? I can't possibly be the only one who feels this way, so why can't I ever find those people? And why can't one of them be my partner so that I can stop stumbling over the corpses of my own discontent?

Writing can be solitary, and writing can be thankless. Real writers write because they have to. And while I have often said, "I love writing and sometimes the feeling is mutual," there's an upside to this vocation that offers some solace that others might not have.

Frequently, when we are hurt, we have nowhere to put those feelings, no way to get it out of our systems...witness the lock-and-load folks who suddenly snap and shoot up a McDonald's. While I understand HOW that can happen with certain psyches, I am not one of those people who tick...but this does not mean I don't get angry, disillusioned, and have a quick pity party every so often. I'm human, and I embrace my human condition. But I have no wish to wallow in that type of mud. So, when someone really pisses me off, I write about them. They might appear in one of my novels, where I can reveal their ugly underpinnings...or I might simply write a blog like this one. This is a type of revenge, however paltry; and it makes me feel better. Especially now, when I fear I might be on the cusp of reinventing myself-again.

And what am I flirting with becoming? Time will tell, but it has a lot to do with giving in to the inevitable.

I have, for a long while, felt the barbs my ethics have produced. It's not always easy to do the right thing. It's not always easy to demand the best of people. But I truly believed there would be some kind of reward for that...I don't mean an afterlife reward, in that Jesus will pat me on the head and I'll get to languish in celestial pleasures for the rest of all eternity...I don't believe in that garbage. I mean the kind of reward that is more authentic; actions that are taken because they represent who you wish to be, not some perceived accolade you might get from doing it. I want to be the one who takes the high road. But I've also said "the high road is not necessarily paved with crosses." There is a limit-a line-a boundary-that must be honored here. I have no wish for martyrdom, and feel it is pathetic waste of energy better spent on other things.

But there is a fine limit/line/boundary between avoiding martyrdom, and actually graduating to selfishness. So often it seems that others have the things I seek to have, and they did not have to be long suffering, nice, or get their hearts broken to do it.

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