The Don't Sweat Guide for Couples by Richard Carlson

Author:Richard Carlson [CARLSON, RICHARD]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781401305871
Publisher: Hachette Books
Published: 2013-05-21T00:00:00+00:00

49.

Bend When the Wind Blows

Conflict in a relationship can be a lot like the wind, showing up without warning and blowing with varying degrees of force. For a relationship to thrive despite the conflicts that hit like an unwelcome wind, you need to learn to bend in the face of the blow, as a tree does.

What does it mean to bend? It does not mean that you keep the peace at all costs. There are certainly conflicts in which self-esteem, a sense of fair play, or personal integrity requires a strong response. Bending also does not mean being “above it all.” A condescending attitude toward your partner demeans your partner’s pain and makes honest communication virtually impossible. Finally, bending does not mean going into hiding. It may be tempting to simply lay low with an eye to avoiding the work of dealing with a problem, but the next time that the winds of conflict blow, they’ll give the problem added—and probably inappropriate—force.

What bending does mean is letting the first blast of conflict subside before you respond. When you feel you are under attack, you may want to quickly counterattack as a means of self-defense, or you may want to run away. These natural inclinations are called the “fight-or-flight instinct.” Within an intimate relationship, this instinct rarely serves our best interests, because it has the effect of ending conflict at the cost of effective communication.

Bending means taking the time to let your emotions settle down after the blow has ended. Picture that tree as it’s lashed by a blast of wind. It bends in one direction to keep from breaking, but eventually, it flies back in the opposite direction. Only when it has shivered to stillness does it return to good form.

Most of all, bending means keeping your inner being firmly planted in the reality of your cherished relationship. This takes regular mental and emotional exercise. Faced with your partner’s criticism or temper, you may find it difficult to see the one that you love. But if you practice really seeing your partner in calmer moments, regularly noticing what you find lovable, and storing up that positive image, you have a resource for bad times. It helps you let go of your natural defensiveness and listen to what’s really troubling your partner.

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