Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone by Mark Goulston

Author:Mark Goulston [Goulston, Mark]
Language: eng
Format: mobi, pdf
ISBN: 9780814436486
Publisher: AMACOM
Published: 2015-03-03T14:00:00+00:00

13

THE MAGIC PARADOX

Benefit: Shift another person from resistance to listening—from “nobody understands” to “you understand.”

Do the unexpected. The expected is boring. The expected is tuned out.

—STEVE STRAUSS, AUTHOR, THE SMALL BUSINESS BIBLE

Most magic is sleight of hand, but the Magic Paradox is sleight of mind. When you act as if your goal is the exact opposite of what you’re trying to accomplish, that’s the Magic Paradox—and as the name implies, it’s powerful magic.

This technique lets you break through to people in the most difficult part of the communication cycle: at the very beginning, when you need to shift them from resisting to listening and then to considering. It’s a classic first step in hostage negotiation, and it’s equally powerful in a business crisis.

To see how the Magic Paradox works, picture this scenario. You’re Art’s manager and he’s not producing. You know he’s going through a divorce, and you’re cutting him as much slack as you can, but now he’s imploding and your project is in danger as a result. You don’t want to fire Art because you know he can do the job and there’s no time to train anyone else. But you need to light a fire under him somehow, or everybody’s in trouble.

Here’s what you don’t do if you’re smart. You don’t go to Art and say something like, “Look, I know things are tough but you need to get your act together. You know how to do this job, and I know you can pull it off. Just set some targets, and I’m sure you can get caught up in time. All of us are under pressure, and we’re counting on you.”

If you do this (as most managers would), odds are Art will get defensive and hit back with “Yes … but.” As in, “Yes … but there’s not enough time.” Or, “Yes … but nobody’s giving me any support.” Keep pushing, and he’ll back further into defensiveness and lash out angrily or even quit.

That’s not what you need. And it’s not what Art needs. So instead, do what Art least expects: Empathize with his negative thoughts.

For example, say: “I’ll bet you feel that nobody knows what it’s like to be scared that you can’t pull this project off. And I’ll bet that you’re upset because you think we’re all feeling let down by you. What’s more, I’ll bet you feel that nobody can possibly understand how hard it is to deal with all the stuff that’s happening in your life.”

Now watch the magic. Because you’re empathizing with Art’s emotions, you will eliminate his mirror neuron gap and cause him to feel understood by and connected to you. And there’s the first paradox: By saying explicitly that you know he feels that nobody understands, you’ll make him realize that you do understand.

Here’s the second paradox: When you spell out all of Art’s reasons for being negative, you’ll shift him into a more positive attitude. Initially he’ll probably rise to ambivalence, that in-between place where he says, “Yeah, it’s godawful right now.

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