Refocusing My Family by Amber Cantorna

Author:Amber Cantorna [Cantorna, Amber]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-1-5064-1880-3
Publisher: Fortress Press
Published: 2017-09-08T04:00:00+00:00

*At times, it was a form of punishing myself, like penance for all the ways I’d screwed up with Brooke; all the ways I’d failed God, my family, my dreams, myself. Other times, it was the only way I knew to feel or express my pain—a visible sign of my inward turmoil. I delayed cutting for as long as I could, trying to save it as a last resort. But there were days where all I could think about about was cutting, even as I fought to keep myself from doing it. Sometimes I took a pen or marker and wrote my emotions on my arm instead, as a way to express my feelings without doing actual harm. But in the end, the knife almost always won out because the physical pain on my body was still easier than the emotional pain in my soul. Often the bruises and scars from cutting would last for weeks or even months. Hiding them from others by wearing hoodies and pants, I found an odd sense of comfort when seeing them myself at home. It was proof that my pain was real. If no one else would validate me, then I would validate myself. But just like the secret my parents told me to hide forever, I hid my scars as well. They affirmed my buried pain and were the only evidence of what went on inside me.

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