Can Doesn't Mean Should by Paul Smolen MD

Author:Paul Smolen, MD
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Children;can;should;Paul Smolen;pediatrician;pediatrics;nutrition;FAM010000;FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS;Parenting;Child Rearing;JNF044000;Child Psychology;HEA048000;Diet and Nutrition
Publisher: Torchflame Books
Published: 2015-01-15T00:00:00+00:00

Successful parents are relatively strict and expect their children to achieve success at school and with peers, all in an environment that shows love and respect for the child’s individuality. Parents of successful children probably do not praise children simply to improve self-esteem. Such parents probably expect their children to perform meaningful, age-appropriate chores throughout their childhood and they follow through with negative consequences when their children fail to meet reasonable expectations.

Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman come to the same conclusions in their book, Nurture Shock.67 After analyzing the current research regarding the reinforcing of self-esteem and households saturated with parental praise, they conclude that the net effect of all this “you are great” talk is to put too much pressure on children—to make children’s expectations of themselves unrealistic and negative—the exact opposite of what their parents intended. These authors also concluded that some criticism of children, when done in a loving way, improves overall performance on tasks and that children who are allowed to fail at things once in a while are ultimately more persistent and successful at achieving their life goals. The old saying “failure is the best teacher” is really true, and excessive praise of children simply insulates them from their own failures. Families that create an emotional climate that is both demanding and warm seem to raise the most successful and happy children.

Benefits of a responsible attitude in your child:

Surprisingly, I could find little research on how a child benefits from affirmatively contributing to the family’s well being. To analyze this issue, we have to use common sense. A child’s first response to a parent’s assignment of a chore is to resist. This response is only natural. Few people accept new work and new responsibilities without some resistance. Time and patience, however, will likely cure negative attitudes.

If parents willingly and freely give of themselves to make sure the family functions well, I believe their children will eventually adopt the same attitude.

How do parents instill in their children an enjoyment of work and a willingness to be helpful to one’s family and community? Parents consciously or unconsciously teach these attitudes to their children by example. Children learn attitudes toward work and acceptance of responsibility by imitation. If parents enjoy work and find it meaningful, their children probably will as well. If parents willingly and freely give of themselves to make sure the family functions well, I believe their children will eventually adopt the same attitude. With time and patience, when the family says, “We need you to do this or that,” a child will hear, “They need me.” When the family says, “We expect you to do this or that,” a child will eventually hear “They count on me.” When a family asks, “Will you help us do this or that,” a child feels competent, important, and needed. Children like to be needed. Initial resistance and resentment will, with time and patience, turn into pride, confidence, and a spirit of cooperation. Incorporating children into the work routines of a family is a first exposure to work.

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